Finding a New Sense of Self After Heartbreak

Posted on February 27, 2018

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People who struggle with mental illness, especially borderline, can have a hard time keeping their own sense of self within a relationship, making heartbreak that much more painful. I know I am definitely guilty of this. How do I not feel lost when I lost such a big part of my life? As I’m still trying to process losing someone, I’m being forced to find a new sense of self that allows me to feel safe alone.

How Did I Lose My Sense of Self?

Sometimes I wish I was stronger. I always talk about how self-aware I am, but that doesn’t save you from certain inevitable traits of being borderline. If you’ve read my articles before, you’ve noticed a pattern of me struggling with abandonment. When my boyfriend and I got together over two years ago I was completely lost–I felt like a shell of a human. Since I felt so empty, I filled myself up with my boyfriend’s needs. I didn’t want to have to focus on my own issues so I wrapped myself up in his. Now all I think about is the person I was when we first met and how afraid I am to go back to that. I can’t seem to fully comprehend that I am different now and I’ve worked through a lot because all I think is that the only reason I got it together was for him.

Find Ways To Feel Like The Self You Want To Be

As many of us do as a result of insecurity, we try to become what we think our partner wants. My boyfriend wasn’t the greatest at expressing his feelings so I thought everything I did was wrong. I didn’t feel a lot of support from him about stuff everyone else seemed to praise me for–leading me to be more confused about my self. So now as I’m trying to move forward with my life, I’m thinking of goals I want to set. What are things that I wish he would have supported me in that I can push to do by my own personal self-esteem?

You Don’t Have To Feel Alone With Your Self

Another problem I face from heartbreak is wanting to shove everything down so I don’t have to talk about my feelings with other people. I feel like me, myself, and I are the only ones who are going to understand, but this mindset can lead you to feel very alone. Part of recovery is acceptance and seeking help. I’m very thankful I’m back in therapy and am able to find guidance in learning my new self. It’s all about looking positive towards the future and turning your pain into something productive. Wish me luck.



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Author: Shelby Tweten

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